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  • Writer's pictureSusannah Powers Stengel

Rec-ipe for #Blackchelor Nation: Jerk Chicken Anticlimax Enchiladas

REC


Spoilers For: I spoil the ending. Just call me Reality Steve, baby!!

Can The (Bachelor) Nation Ever Stomach a Self-Critique?


Ingredients

  • 1 package ready-to-use Southern grown white privilege chicken strips (Chris Harrison prefered)

  • A team of fully unprepared casting directors playing Candy Crush during time allotted for contestant background checks

  • 1 fully unprepared, sexy, successful black male lead, exploited to taste

  • 1-1/2 cups of female on female bullying crime, divided

  • 1 can (10 ounces) enchilada sauce

  • 1 cup refried cheese-wheel of social media postings replete with racial insensitivity

  • 18+ times women of color/different ability had to dispel a hegemonic producer lens

  • Optional toppings: sprinkles of MAGA, EXTRA interviews, podcast gaps, leaves of absence, white complacency, fresh lime

1. Combine the following ingredients in a filthy, bubbling media machine using even, self-congratulatory back pats:


-Your first black bachelor

-Your tone deaf, old guard bland papa patriarch host

-Rachael Kirkconnell’s Cheese-Encrusted Fake Mustache from Her Cinco de Mayo photoshoot


Whip until transformed into a series of symbolic feeble gestures.


2. Turn up White Dial to Virtue Level 11.

3. Mix with Production’s Insistence on Female Rivalry. (If your cast consists primarily of men this is no longer necessary.)


4. Spread the onus exclusively on the female contestants of color to represent themselves in relationship to the massive social turmoil of the recent past.

5. Select a 2 year-aged cheese-wheel of harmful social media racial insensitivity to put front and center in your dish.


(Critics will note the sour notes and putrid stench of your starring cheese actress. Let 'em talk! Remain silent. Let the funky flavor marinate. Top the cheese-wheel with freshly grating white privilege curds—like an unlimited shopping spree, a Cinderella carriage, and a luxury car ride to a sky diving adventure. It’s not too much. She deserves it.)


6. Place contents of the media machine inside of two ungreased baking dishes. Top with remaining cheese-wheel to smother out other flavors.


7. Bake at 400 degrees for at least six weeks for ideal consistency.


8. Serve immediately with Too Little Too Late Too Hot Apology Sauce to taste.


Looking to serve a larger group?


BUCKLE UP FOR THE FULL SPOILERS.


Matt James, the first Black Bachelor ever in two decades, picks Rachael, a graphic designer from Georgia with a history of overt, harmful racial misrepresentation and ignorance, a history displayed clearly upon the internet for all to see.


They are in love during their time taping the show. Clearly. They have already broken up.


It's over. Birth by Bachelor Nation. Death by Bachelor Nation.


Matt and Rachael’s love flourishing space was a delusion provided by a franchise who failed to adequately research the lingering racial safety dynamics they created for their cast. A cast they couldn't stop congratulating themselves for finally creating.

Chris Harrison is a dickhole. Learn now. Learn often, Chris. Publicize your learning, apologize for your mistakes. Stay away.


I want as much Kaitlyn Bristowe and Tayshia Adams as the Lord of Fruitful Mischief might bestow. See the following:



Rachel Lindsay is a natural treasure. She has no apologies to make. Apologize to her.


IF AFTER THE FINAL ROSE exists in the absence of a self-critical lens, The Bachelor Team will receive the presence of my foot up their ass. (Alas, metaphorically.) Via berating blog posts and enduring fellowship with you all in commiserating disgruntlement.


We demand more equitable casting, and more thorough production work to honor and uplift diverse and durable love stories!

EAT UP y'all, it's getting cold!


I'll fight anyone who comes at you, Rachel Lindsay. You are the salty margarita this meal needs and doesn't yet deserve.


When has Chris Harrison (or The Bachelor Franchise in general) let you down? Comment below!


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